a stroke survivor story

Today is December 8, 2023 - 15 years since my stroke. Time is deceiving; on one hand, it moves so fast that we can barely imagine that the person we were 15 years ago, and the person we are today are the same person. I have started this post 4 different times in the last few weeks; it is just so hard to put into words what I'm feeling. I feel really good for a dead guy (that is my standard greeting; several doctors have told me that I should had died at least 11 years ago.) But, it is so hard for me to talk about feeling good, considering the path we have been on for the last 2 months. My son was the one who helped me to the car when I could not walk; my son was the one who watched the girls when Laura had to take me to the hospital. My son was the one who bought me the little Christmas tree for my ICU room after my surgery, and it was my son that so often told his mom how worried he was about me when I would show signs of weakness. My son has been such a big part of my recovery,...

Ok, to be fair, he is closer to 3 than he is 2, but either way, shouldn't I be the one teaching him lessons instead of the other way around? I'm talking, of course, about our grandson, Theo. He came to stay with grandma and grandpa last night, and let's just say that he seemingly never gets tired! As tired as we get, we absolutely adore our only (for now) grandbaby. This morning, is when I learned a very valuable lesson from Theo, both as it applies to life after my stroke, and my life after the loss of my only son, Brendan. Picture it, Sicily, 1924...wait, where did the Golden Girls reference come from? Maybe I should just go back and erase it, but, I probably won't. In fact, the fact you are reading this means I did not...Anyway, picture it, we are oustide this morning; it is a pretty chilly morning, there is some frost on the car windows, we can see our breath, and Theo is watching the dogs play in our backyard. And then he spots it: his "bike." He runs ov...

On December 8, 2008, my life changed forever. I had a double sided cerebellar stroke with 2 brain stem compressions. It was not until December 10, 40 hours after my stroke, that surgery was finally done to relieve the pressure. Dr. Piper, the neuro-surgeon from Iowa Methodist hospital in Des Moines, told my wife that surgery was nothing more than an attempt to save my life, but that it would not erase the deficiencies as a result of the stroke. Although she admits that she did not really understand what Dr. Piper had just said, my wife, Laura, agreed to the surgery and the care team performed a decrompessive craniotomy, to hopefully relieve the pressure and allow my brain to function somewhat normally. For those who have followed my blog for the last 14+ years, the surgery was successful, I returned to the church and I now live a relatively normal life, although I do have some pretty severe, though not always visible, defieciencies. I really thought that life could not get any worse th...

It has been almost 15 years since my stroke, so you would think that, by now, I would be readily prepared for everything that life can throw my way; but, I often forget what it's like to have a simple head cold after my stroke. Now, understand, I am not suggesting that other people don't feel bad when they have a cold; it is just that it is different for a stroke survivor. Maybe some of the other stroke survivors feel the same way: many times when I get a head cold with the congestion, suffy nose, fever, etc., it begins to feel like I'm having a stroke again. For those who don't know what this is like, let me try to explain. I get up at night, whether to go to the bathroom or some other reason, and I feel completely disoriented for a few seconds. Not like I'm groggy, but that I feel the room is spinning, I can't tell which direction I am going, I forget where the bathroom is for an instant, things like that. On the first day of this last cold, I was going down ...

First , quit calling us a "victim of a stroke", we are survivors of a stroke; the majority of us have found a way to live, as one professor said, not under our circumstance but above our circumstance! For many of us, we are some of the funniest, loving people you will ever meet. Second , don't expect us to be able to multi-task easily. If a football player tears his ACL, no one expects him to be on the field playing at a high level the next week; most who have suffered a torn ACL never play at a high level again. If a skier breaks his leg, no one expects him to be on the slopes the next week, skiing for gold; most who have broken their leg will never ski at a high level again. If a pitcher has to have Tommy John surgery, no one expects him to be on the mound pitching in game 7 of the World Series the next week; most who have had Tommy John surgery will never pitch at a high level again. What do all of thes have in common? A muscle, tendon or bone was severely injured, a...

A few years ago I was presented with the opportunity to come back to Stratford, Iowa, to First Baptist church, as their pastor; for those of you who have followed this blog for some time, FBC in Stratford was my first pastorate. Let's just say I prayed about it as I was jumping at the opportunity. The church has a parsonage, so I could live there and not have to worry about a houe payment; and I needed to slow down, and this was a part time position (which, as a side note, allowed for me to get a greater disability from the VA than when I was working full time with St. Croix Hospice...) We love Stratford, and absolutely love the church; the people are wonderful and accepted us, again, with open arms. This was, for me, the perfect position: I get to pastor a church I LOVE, I get to do life with people I LOVE, and I have already had the opportunity to do weddings and baptism services for kids (adults now) that I have known their entire lives. IT IS GREAT. The longer I have been here,...

This February my wife and I did something that we have wanted to do for a long time, but since my stroke we did not know how I would handle it. No, we did not go sky-diving or jet-skiing. We went on our first cruise! Now, admittedly, that seems very peaceful, reflective, and, for lack of a better word, fun...and it was, but there was always a sense of worry since my stroke: how will I handle the flight there, how will I do being in an area with so many people, how will I do on the ocean if the ship starts to sway, what if there are areas with a lot of sensory input like strobe lights, what if there is loud music? Those are all questions that stroke survivors have to ask themselves on, nearly, a daily basis. I think sometimes a lot of people, even our closest cargivers, forget that our brain has suffere a severe trauma and many, like myself, have actually had part of their brain removed because of the dead tissue. Because of that we have to assess every interaction, every potential outi...

I'll be honest (side note, why do pastor's always feel compelled to start a personal story with "I'll be honest", how often are we not? Anyway, I digress), I have not made a habit of taking my blood pressure as often as I should, but I started again, recently, and to my horror my blood pressure was pretty consistently 150-160/80-90 at night. Normally it is pretty good in the morning, because I take my blood pressure medicine in the moring. I messaged my doctor and he reminded me that my blood pressure will fluctuate during the day, depending on activity, stress level, time of day, how tired I am, etc. I understand all that, but I get worried because the one thing Dr. Piper stressed above all else is make sure my blood pressue is under control, because I only have one vetebral artery left and I don't want that one to blow! I don't think I need to be on different blood pressue medicine, as these seem to work, in general. My question is, for those who have ha...

Tomorrow I will preach the funeral for a dear friend of mine. He was the definition of a selfless person. I truly appreciated all that he did, but, when I was meeting with the family on Wednesday a memory came to me suddenly and I was suddenly overcome with emotion. Let me back up a little bit: After my stroke in December, 2008 my license was revoked for obvious reasons and it took me some time and practice before I was able to drive again. I finally got my license back in February, 2009. But, shortly after I got my license back the reality of the severity of my stroke became evident: my stroke had seriously impacted the PONS area of my brain stem, and therefore, a lot of my nerves were negatively impacted. One of the nerves that was damaged was the nerve that controls my eye movements; my left eye would would twitch, at times almost uncontrollably, and that made it really difficult to drive, particularly at night. That brings me to the memory that left me so emotional. Fast forwar...

You would think that after 13+ years I would have learned not to do some things...apparently learning is not something that I excel at in this "stroke thing". For instance, sometimes when I get into bed at night I will be on my right side and decide that I am going to roll all the way over to my left side. BIG MISTAKE. Apparently my brain does not know tha after 13 years I should be able to deal with things. My brain is still in the "let me have the whole room spin for a minute, make you dizzy, cause you to close your eyes and get back over to the right side" mode. I will never get used to my knees buckling when I'm at the store. It is always an adventure when I preach on Sunday mornings when I maneuver the stairs on the platform. I try not to complain much but, hey, how many people have had to explain to the office administrator why they just drooled on their desk. Yes, it's been 13 years; yes, I am thankful for where I am now compared to where I was, and...

I was sitting in Knoxville, outside of the Knoxville Dance Academy, waiting for my girls to finish up with their dance classes when I had just a little bit of time to reflect on the last 7+ years since me stroke and all that has happened in my life. My stroke has taken my ability to play basketball as well as I used to (which was not very good...) My stroke has taken my ability to play football as well as I used to (see the above statement...) My stroke has taken much of my energy to be able continue as full time Senior pastor, My stroke has made me take medicine to control eye movements, My stroke has made me start taking medicine at night to help me sleep, My stroke has made me much more of an emotional wreck than I ever was before, My stroke has made it so I laugh, nearly uncontrollably, at the wrong moments, My stroke has made me lose the ability to answer people appropriately at time, My stroke has made me nearly choke on water or tea because of swallowing problems, My stroke has...

It has been nearly 6 years since I have updated this blog; my apologies. For those that had been following for some time, since I last posted: I stepped down as Senior Pastor at New Covenant church in Knoxville, I moved to Ankeny, Iowa, started a new ministry with St. Croix hospice as Chaplain. I was chaplain with St. Croix for about 4 1/2 years, then in 2020 I moved back to Stratford to pastor First Baptist church. It was a big change going from chaplain work back to the pastorate.  I must confess, when I first came (back) to Stratford I was ready to pastor again! I love preaching; I love the ministry of being a pastor, and I love interacting with people long-term. (Being a chaplain is great, but you only interact with a family for a week or so, for some a little longer, but there was a constant upheaval of people and it was exhausting at times...) But, one thing that I have noticed since my stroke is that I get my feeling hurt easily. For instance, people leave the church all the...

On Tuesday of this week, I finished another major milestone in my progress; I graduated with my certification of one unit of Clinical Pastoral Education. The class consisted of 17 weeks of instruction (8 classroom hours every Monday), 24 hours a month of on-call chaplaincy at Methodist Medical center (8pm-8am one day during the week, and 8am to 8pm on one weekend) each month, January - May, and then 300 total hours of clinical work (fulfilled by my work at St. Croix Hospice). For those of you keeping score, that's 140 hours of classroom work (we met 4 times for a 1 hour individual instruction), 120 hours of on-call work at Methodist Medical center (and, by the way, when we were on call we had to be on location, meaning we had to be at Methodist for the entire 12 hour shift), and 300 hours of supervised clinical visitation. I have already been endorsed by the Converge World Wide for chaplaincy; this is one more requirement down. May is stroke awareness month; I am now 7 1/2 yea...

I was sitting in Knoxville, outside of the Knoxville Dance Academy, waiting for my girls to finish up with their dance classes when I had just a little bit of time to reflect on the last 7+ years since me stroke and all that has happened in my life. My stroke has taken my ability to play basketball as well as I used to (which was not very good...) My stroke has taken my ability to play football as well as I used to (see the above statement...) My stroke has taken much of my energy to be able continue as full time Senior pastor, My stroke has made me take medicine to control eye movements, My stroke has made me start taking medicine at night to help me sleep, My stroke has made me much more of an emotional wreck than I ever was before, My stroke has made it so I laugh, nearly uncontrollably, at the wrong moments, My stroke has made me lose the ability to answer people appropriately at time, My stroke has made me nearly choke on water or tea because of swallowing problems, My ...

I was just reading some of my old posts and have come to this conclusion: only God could possibly do all of things that have happened in my life. Even if we set aside all the "stroke stuff", it is just so improbable that I would be where I am today if God had not intervened in my life. But, this is about the events that have transpired since my stroke; so I will get back to that. So much has happened in the months since I posted last that I feel that I must spend the first few sentences just catching up on where I am now. First, I no longer actively pastor; I told in my last post (which now seems like it was a long time ago...which is because it was) that I had stepped down from full time to part time pastoring. Well, in June, 2015 I stepped down completely and effectively "retired" from Senior Pastor ministry. This was a difficult decision for me; I have known nothing but pastoring for nearly 20 years and now I have to face the reality that it is no longer in m...

As many of you recall, in September I made the decision to step down from full time ministry. This was a big decision for me, because I have not known anything but full time ministry or preparation for full time ministry for over 20 years. Granted, the decision came with a lot of questions in my mind, but I did not let anyone know what those were, except for my wife. When the decision was made and I officially stepped back it lifted a weight off my shoulders, but I still wondered what I was going to do. I am too young to do nothing, but I don't have the stamina to do much since my stroke.  As many of you who have been following my blog for some time recall, I have been working on my second Master's degree, the MDiv. But, I was thinking that I would not be done for at least another semester, or maybe 2. Well, on September 1 I stepped back from full time ministry, and on September 11 I got an email telling me that my degree was conferred. So, I was officially a Seminary gradua...

There are times when God’s work and His timing make absolutely no sense to us. In 2008 when I had my stroke, my family and the church were taken completely by surprise. As the time went on, it was amazing to watch how God used a terrible situation to bring about something that brings Him the greatest glory. God’s provisions in the months after my stroke were absolutely incredible. He has sustained me and my family through some of the most terrible months of our lives. About a year ago, I had mentioned to Laura that there were some things occurring on Sunday mornings and as I interacted with people that might seem to suggest that some of my deficiencies were becoming more evident. What I told her then was that when my deficiencies begin to become almost a distraction, I would know it would be time to step back from full time ministry. Over the next several months, it was communicated to Laura and and myself that I look tired, appear to be having swallowing issues and more diffi...

This has really been an issue for a long time, but it seems to be becoming a little more apparent to my family. Last night we were doing some work around the house and my wife asked me several times if anything was wrong. The first few times I was pretty evasive "Nothing. Just tired. I'm OK." After awhile, and after she had asked a few (probably 6 or 7) more times, I finally had to admit that I seem to be feeling pretty spacey, or distant. It's not blood pressure; after I checked it, it was 147/88 - not bad. I have also had a few episodes of a "swimming" feeling; that is when I am sitting still or lying down and the room seems to be a little wavy - it's not spinning like vertigo, it just is an odd sensation that occurs every now and then. It is not constant, and it had only happened about every 6 months since my stroke, but now it seems to be occurring about once ever other week, or even once a week recently. It is just weird, that's all I know. But,...

I just got confirmation that my new book, How Big is Your God, is available at Tatepublishing.com.

Admittedly, my posting has been very sporadic of late (oh, who am I kidding, for the last 3 years...) It has been almost 6 years since my stroke (it will be 6 years on December 8, but I am getting waaay ahead of myself), and it seems that some of the side-effects are becoming a little more apparent to others. My wife has had some people comment to her that I seemed to be having problems swallowing during church awhile ago; others have noticed that I look really tired and I have had some tell me that they have noticed that I am having problems with my left leg being weak from time to time. I fell getting out of bed about 6 months ago and wound up with some pretty bad hip pain. When I went to physical therapy, they noticed that ever since my stroke I have changed the way I walk; when I had to relearn  how to walk, I would "kick my left leg out" so that my right leg would not cross over. Over the next 5 years it became second nature to walk with my left leg constantly kicking ou...